Spring has Sprung for Stella, the Cat


Spring is upon us, and happiness is spreading across the land. I wondered if any had made its way to my cat, Stella.

It’s spring, Stella! Aren’t you excited!
Not really. What’s so great about spring?

Oh, it’s a wonderful season: flowers, kittens, sunlight, newly mown lawns, running in meadows, parachuting off of —
Wait, kittens?

Did I say “kittens”?
You said “kittens.”

I think I said “mittens.”

Stella, I got you spayed 16 YEARS ago. Can we just talk about the running in meadows and the parachuting off of —
I would’ve been a GREAT mother, surrounded by kittens. And you ruined it because you didn’t have any friends to give my kittens to.

That’s NOT why I had you spayed, Stella. I had friends.
The mailman again? Really?

He was nice! We chatted about catalogs!
EVERYBODY chats about catalogs!

Look, we’ve talked about this. An unspayed cat can produce dozens of kittens in her lifetime, and her offspring can produce thousands more, maybe hundreds of thousands. You’ve seen the videos.
And I LOVE them. Imagine having 200,000 cats in my extended family. My birthday party would be amazing.

I don’t think your extended cat family would come for your birthday, Stella.
Easter, then.

Most cats don’t travel for the holidays, Stella. Nor do they talk.
Mine would. But you never bothered to find out. We could be running a company right now. I could be the Jeff Bezos of cat toys and craft beer.

I think you’d still just be napping all day.
Maybe so, but imagine the snuggle pile. I get teary-eyed just thinking about it. You’d have to move into the garage. We’d have to enclose the patio.

Can we just talk about spring, Stella? There must be something you like about the season.
I don’t know. Having more insects around is nice.

There you go.
And all the new green shoots to gnaw on.

That’s the spirit. Why do cats gnaw on plants anyway?
We’ll never tell.

Read More: Why Do Cats Go Crazy for Catnip?

What about napping in sunbeams?
I HATE napping in sunbeams.

Oh, right. You don’t have to go into —
You try chasing a sunbeam across the floor for seven hours!

Sorry, I forgot. Sunbeams move too fast for quality napping. Silly me.
It’s a situation, OK?

I think you’re forgetting something great about spring, Stella. Here’s a hint: Chirp chirp.
Seriously? You’re doing bird noises?

Tweet tweet.
Please, you’re a grown man. You have a mortgage.

Spring means birds, Stella, and you love birds!
Sixteen-year-old cats don’t catch birds!

Oh, right. But aren’t they fun to look at flying around?
Imagine just looking at a can of cow the rest of your life. Or whatever it is you eat.

OK, forget birds. There are plenty of other great things about spring, like running in meadows or parachuting off of —
Can you just stop with the parachuting?!

Fine. Jeez. I’ll be glad when summer starts.
I’ll be glad when dinner starts. That’s the only season I celebrate.

Dinner is not a season.
It is, too. It comes right after you get yourself into the kitchen and open a can of chicken. You can celebrate with a can of cow.

Top Photograph: Getty Images

Read Next: How to Feed Cats: Are We Doing It Wrong?

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